Critique Of Something Thought To Be, But Not, Love

“Ridiculously and offensively in love

Openly aggressively and disgustingly

Happy.”

 

Someone once wished me

 

Kissing in the coffee shop

Laughing at the movies

Fighting in the parking lot

Fucking like we just met

Making love the likes we’d never forget

 

I remember

There

 

It was good

It never really meant anything more

 

There were fun times

More bad than good

Reasons

Why you’re not here now

Why I'm not

There

 

You had many different faces

Different voices and shapes

Still

 

You moved in the same manner

Spoke the same words as the former

Disguised them in spiritual simile

Methodical

Monotonous

Metaphor  

 

You can not change your soul

You can not hide from those whom you’ve sired

You can not shield yourself from those whose spirits you’ve nursed

 

Attempted enucleation of my third eye

 

I’ve already given love my heart

 

© Christopher F. Brown 2013

Technorati Tags: Critique Of Something Thought To Be,But Not,Love,christopher f. brown,poetry,cfbrown.com

Pocket Sized Love

Pocket sized love

 

The reason I call you a star is because

Something like you

Something so fine

Could only come from the heavens above me

 

Nothing on Earth

Has ever come close to your beauty

Nothing in Hell

Has anything as enticing like the stare of your eye

Or seductive as the thought of your kiss

 

You are a star

Shine bright

Radiance is you

I'm thankful to know

And take pleasure in

You.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2012

Technorati Tags: love,poetry,Pocket sized Love,cfbrown.com

Waking from a Daydream

Waking from a Daydream 

You are that vision of physical perfection 
A specimen of the highest caliber 

But 
It doesn't mean anything 

Physically 
I am not what you seek 

You are at that spiritual height where 
your smile heals 
your soul reflects divine light and guides your way 

But 
It doesn't mean anything 

Your way 
Is not directed towards mine 
Your smile 
Is not meant for my wounds 

You are that one whom possesses a mind to unravel mysteries and the wisdom to keep some as such 

But 
It doesn't mean anything 

Your mental mastery 
Was never meant to coalesce with mine 
Your wisdom 
Was never meant to share a seat in the same school of thought as mine 

On every level 

Mentally 
Physically 
Even spiritually 

It doesn't mean anything 
You weren't meant for me. 

©Christopher F. Brown 2011

Technorati Tags: love,not the one,cfbrown.com

Everything Never Wanted

Everything Never Wanted

 

Everything I never wanted

You were to me

 

Someone to:

Lie to my face

Cheat behind my back

Steal from my soul

 

Someone to rip out my heart

Scatter its pieces

 

Laugh

 

As I try to put it back together

 

Laugh

 

As I try to put it back in

 

Everything I never wanted

You were to me

 

Joy was the reaction to knowing

You

Were the cause of my tears

 

3 o’clock  in the morning  the cold wakes me

I feel you smile

 

Knowing

the confused look on my face

 

Wondering

why I don’t feel you near

 

What did I do to you?

What was wrong with my love?

 

Was it everything you never wanted.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2011

Technorati Tags: lovers,relationships,pain,heartache,cfbrown.com

 

Let go of Old Your name is New

Prejudice and pain

So much heartache it leaves a stain

that tries to feast on my soul

Tries to take my life

 

Let go of Old

Your name is New

 

I married a smile before I laid with that whoreish frown

You can have her

You can Delight in him

 

Let go of Old

Your name is New

 

You must not know that time is short

You must not know the suffering because of you

 

Sacrifices of love made for you

Your actions are the only things you deem worthy

Forgiveness poured upon you

Your judgment is harsh and strict

You close and lock the door

Swallowing the key

You say no one worthy of entry

Not Even you

 

Let go of Old

Your name is New

 

Look in the mirror and see the liar

Look in the mirror and see the cheat

Turn on the light and behold the thief

Turn around and see the pardon

Turn around and see the freedom

 

Let go of Old

Your name is New

 

There is reason and willing to and for

Forgiveness

Why

Do you still

Point out

Pass out

Hold onto

 

Blame

 

Your heart is willing

But your mind won't...

 

Let go of Old

Your name is New

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2011

Technorati Tags: cfbrown.com,love,change,old,new

I wanna talk about love

 

I wanna talk about love

 

Speak on its splendor

Reflect on its beauty

 

I wouldn’t be able to escape the guilt if I did

 

The world a blaze with injustice

Sparks and embers next door

 

Rights made

Uncivil

 

Civilities become less

Liberal

 

Morality of a few

Made law

For the many

 

I wanna talk about love

 

Speak on its splendor

Reflect on its beauty

 

I wouldn’t be able to escape the guilt if I did

 

So many people live deceptions

The rest can not attain an accurate perception

 

So many people impoverished

I wonder if there is enough wealth to help

 

So many people kept in a state of ignorance

I wonder if the mass of them would want the light of truth

 

So many have given up

So many have given in

 

Learned to justify wrong

In the name of right

 

Learned to survive

 

But

Have no idea

 

How to be alive

 

I wanna talk about love

 

Speak on its splendor

Reflect on its beauty

 

I wouldn’t be able to escape the guilt if I did

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2011

 

Technorati Tags: love,truth,cluture,doubt,faith,www.cfbrown.com

 

Educated Fool

It’s just times like these that really get to me.

usually when it’s one after another.

 

I see you in the sparkle of an eye,

the corner of a smile.

 

I see it in the swagger of their walk

and hear you in the melodic way they talk.

 

I know it’s you,

 

or

 

At least I think it could be.

 

And there

right there

 

is the problem.

 

I’ve learned not to force or fake you.

It never ends well.

 

so I wait

 

Not expectantly.

Not eagerly.

Almost ambivalently.

 

I’ve really been happy without you.

In contrast to all the hurt I had with you.

 

It’s just times like these that really get to me.

usually when its one after another.

 

I see you in the sparkle of an eye

the corner of a smile.

 

I see it in the swagger of their walk

and hear you in the melodic way they talk.

 

I know it’s you,

 

or

 

At least I think it could be.

 

And there

right there

 

Is the thought that makes my soul shudder.

 

The same ole thing all over again.

 

The only thing new is the clothes you wear.

The same blood that poisons me still pumps through your veins.

That was a little too negative so I’ll take it back.

 

The few times that were good were really good

 

Just

 

They never compared

or out weighed

 the bad.

 

For some reason.

You have this hold on me.

I can’t seem to shake you.

 

The older I get

The less frequent I even notice you.

 

It’s just times like these that really get to me.

usually when its one after another.

 

I see you in the sparkle of an eye.

the corner of a smile.

 

I see it in the swagger of their walk

and hear you in the melodic way they talk.

 

I know it’s you,

 

or

 

At least I think it could be.

 

And there

right there

 

I question;

 

How could one search for a thing and never find it?

While others have the very thing rain down upon them as they seek shelter from it.

Others run from you.

Others flat out:

reject,

deny,

and loathe you.

 

I do not sit up at night crying over you.

Anymore

 

or

 

Look for you behind every corner or door

 

I wish you would have taken this last bag with you.

It hurts to be reminded of you.

 

The you I never had and always wanted

The you I tried for and never got

The you that lives happily ever after with those whom

detested

and

cursed

your name.

The you that I don’t want to want.

 

Like I said,

The older I get

the less I even know you are there.

 

It’s just times like these that really get to me.

usually when its one after another.

 

I see you in the sparkle of an eye.

The corner of a smile.

 

I see it in the swagger of their walk

and hear you in the melodic way they talk.

 

I know it’s you,

 

or

 

At least I think it could be.

 

And there

right there

 

I remind myself

it’s the same old hurt called love again

 

You upset me too much

You take up too much time and energy

 

Scars and wounds that barely heal are what I have to show of you.

 

I cover my ears,

close my eyes,

shut my mouth,

and repeat to myself,

 

“It’s just that same old hurt called love again.

I won’t be bothered with you anymore.”  

 

I shut the door,

close the window,

and swallow the key,

 

But

 

Just like the tenacious little ant you are.

You always find your way in.

 

Maybe

Just maybe.

 

You’ll do right this time.

 

It’s just times like these that really get to me.

usually when its one after another.

 

I see you in the sparkle of an eye

the corner of a smile.

 

I see it in the swagger of their walk

and hear you in the melodic way they talk.

 

I know it’s you,

 

or

 

At least I think it could be.

 

And there

right there

 

I let you in.

 

Praying you’ll be different.

Praying that it wasn’t you.

Praying that it was some evil twin.

Praying that my heart has enough strength.

Praying to remember and forget everything from the last time.

 

I remind myself

 

I know you

 

And I wait

 

Time will reveal all

 

Once again.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2010

Technorati Tags: lovers,love,pain,prayer,redemtion,remember,relationships,fool

Stranger’s Eyes

You timidly linger

before you pass me by.

 

Wanting to know the pleasure of your company

you only leave me the slightest

most timid

of glances.

 

Your eyes say many things

yet your lips only smile.

 

I would wager your voice beautiful

your  kiss divine.

 

Yet

 

You timidly linger.

 

Only leaving,

 

“What if?”

 

Behind.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2010

 

Technorati Tags: strangers,kissing,love,looks

Light and Shadow

Sometimes

 

I see you from different angles.

 

I wonder if it is light and shadow playing tricks on my eyes

games with my mind

 

or

 

Could  you really be that beautiful.

 

My ears must lie.

 

No earthly voice could be so enchanting.

 

You bewitched my every thought to you

yet

have stolen my ability to dare voice them louder than a whisper.

 

Sometimes

 

I see you from different angles.

 

I question

would the back of your head rest snugly in the palm of my hand

as I draw you near to kiss the lips that beckon me.

 

I could easily carry you when you tire

 

If you let me

 

I could easily protect you while sleep

offer a shoulder for crying

an ear for listening

 

If you let me.

 

Sometimes

 

I see you from different angles

 

I wonder what it would be like.

 

If you let me.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2010

 

 

Technorati Tags: lovers,light and shadow,kisses,love

Hand Through the Looking Glass

I see you and know you.

 

The things your eyes say before you turn away.

 

I see you and know you

almost as clear as a mirror.

 

I reach my hand out to grasp yours

as you do mine.

 

Only time and space stand thinly in-between.

 

I see you and know you.

 

I can only compare your eyes to the stars in the night sky

I can only compare your smile to the sun

your laugh to the splash made by a jay in the first puddle of spring.

 

None of it does you justice

 

I see you and know you.

 

©ChristopherF. Brown 2010

Technorati Tags: soulmate,love,time,space,hands,understanding

Distant Kisses

I look away.

 

The music in your ears enchants me.

 

I dare not glance into your pretty chestnut eyes.

You might see what I really want to say.

 

I can not look upon your luscious full lips.

Technically you are a stranger.

 

Even though there would be no rejection if I kissed you

I may never stop if I did.

 

No

 

I can not look at you.

 

I might fall in love

 

That is something I don't want to do

 

Again.



©Christopher F. Brown 2010

 

Technorati Tags: kisses,stangers,love,heartache

Tingling

Capturing a fleeting glance

I wonder.

How did I come to be here?

I question,

“Why me?”

We all think it.
The brave admit it.

“Where did I fail?”

Sure

If you look at the now
there are many reasons.

If we go way back when
and talk about those times

Back then

All the right words were said.
All the right things were had.
All the right actions were done.

Still

I am here

With only a fleeting glance.

© Christopher F. Brown 2010

Technorati Tags: love,relationships,loss,ex-people

Thrown out the window

I’ve spent many years learning the rules
only for you to come along and confuse them.

 
Experience has shown me
the words you say
the things you do
all point to one
but somehow
you add up and factor out as two.

I differ to the rules,
remember what I learned in doing but still
there is no mention
no chapter
not even a footnote on you.

Maybe I just live in a world set by rules only I live by.

It could be that you have poked a hole in my box
and my thoughts are escaping.

Whatever it is

I don’t understand this thing.

I don’t understand you.

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

Technorati Tags: love,relationships,heartache

Melodious

Emanating from the speakers

waltzing with air, around it spins for a moment

then to lay at rest in my ear.

 

It’s dreams passes through my heart and lungs as heavy smoke

finding my soul it deeply impresses.

 

Lingering long enough for me to be intrigued

lasting long enough for me to more than hear but listen

accompanying my soul if only long enough for it to smile.

 

When realization sets in

when understanding of what’s happening,

when what’s going on takes full hold.

 

The song is over.

Melodious has gone

the mood has passed.

 

It is time for a new song.

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

Technorati Tags: jazz,love,music

Primordial

Where time and creation begins and ends your arms stretched out from the new, creating love, forming the first house of light, the first temple of truth.

Pure and untouched it was then, so shall it be in the end

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

(This was based on a painting I saw today. When I get the painters permission I will post a pic and their credits.)

Technorati Tags: creation,love,god,spirit,truth

Vows

There is no I in We but Us is just U plural.

I know, that’s hella corny, but it’s true.

We have united our separate flames into one that burns hotter than either did alone, shines brighter than either did on its own.

Our foundation is rooted in trust and creativity our walls; while everlasting faith is our roof.

You see what I can not see.

I hear what you can not hear.

Where I am weak you lend me strength.

When I am confused you enlighten.

When I am lost you help me pray.

We are two imperfect creatures coming together to share something so unique, so special that there is only one, and there will only ever be one.

I share with you Me and ask you for the same.

I already know your answer before you speak because we share a single heart, we share a single light. We share the SAME love

I ask U to be plural.

I ask U to be Us

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

you asked

You asked me,

 

“Why are you attracted to me?”

 

I’ll tell you. When I met you and spoke your soul answered back.

 

When I stared into your eyes light not of this earth shone back. When I touched your hand a warmth not known to me emanated. When I come near you your child like innocence mixed with wisdom bestowed by time and error creates a feeling of relief and calm, as if your soul had thousands of arms and they all reach out to comfort me. When you smiled at me for the first time it was as if a butterfly had taken flight from a rose with the dawn’s light as motivation; to this day it remains the same.

 

You asked me,

 

“Why do you care?”

 

It’s simple, because you are you. These few words still do not compare to the feelings they are meant to describe.

I ask you,

 

“Why do you?”

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

what now

When I was younger I believed in God, Love, and Magic.

When I grew older they told me not to believe in magic anymore, it was childish and silly. They finally said that it was witchcraft and against God.

 

When I was a child I believed that God never makes mistakes, that God loves everything great and small and in between. I use to sing songs about how Jesus loves the little children. When I became a “man” I was told that the wages of sin was death. If you live a godly life and where a good (Baptist, Pentecostal, Episcopal, Methodist, Seventh day Adventist, Mormon, Catholic, Lutheran, even Non-Denominational, whatever) and only a (Baptist, Pentecostal, Episcopal, Methodist, Seventh day Adventist, Mormon, Catholic, Lutheran, even Non-Denominational, whatever) then the kingdom heaven would be yours. I was told that sinners would all burn in hell and that to lay with a mans as one would a woman then it was an abomination.

 

Imagine my surprise to know that as a child my God loved me no matter what but as a “man” I disgust the creator of all things great and small and in between. I disgust the knower and founder of all knowledge. I disgust the omnipotent one because of something that I had no part in and no control over. As a man, somehow, it does not make since to me. It sounds more like something another man would think of instead of the God I use to know.

 

When I was a little child I believed that love (whatever that was) made the world go round and that what your heart was for. When I grew older I realized I’ve never known that type of love and have known it all too well. I’ve seen the very thing pass me and abide with me in my home as if majesty became mine. Then when the majesty became real it was gone like it was never there.

 

So what now?

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

You old spirit

Why do I allow you to darken my doorstep; you, you old spirit.

 

I felt you around the corner and I saw you walk up the block, and I still let you in. I knew that letting you in you would only tear my house asunder leaving me to pick up the pieces. I’d make everything all nice and pretty only for you to destroy it again.

 

Why do I allow you to speak to me; you, you old spirit.

 

Without saying a word you lied to me. When you did speak you sanctified your bible of deception with even more lies. All of it, every syllable of every word of every sentence you’ve spoken before. All of it, time and time again your lies flowed from that abyss to the point where I could manuscript them without correction, yet I still gave you my ear. I still hang on to every lie as if not to drown knowing fully; without a shadow of question that not only do the lies let me drown but they are the cause. I still swim tirelessly with my ears heavy.

 

Why do I allow you to look at me; you, you old spirit.

 

Your icy gaze finds its way into my heart, my soul, my entire being. I feel your gawk mostly from your sisters’ younger disciples that can not tell the difference between the evil twins. There are times when it comes from the minds that your father whose only name we can pronounce as “time” has twisted into something sick and demented; something found in the bile of maggots and in the fluids of diseased rotting flesh. Then there are times when your gaze comes from those that know the difference between the two yet your sister has trained them well in her ways. They seem and maybe think they are of pure intentions, as pure and as precious as a rose in a garden of weeds. You have already doomed them as you have me. I know I should not turn to look upon you but I do, and it is still you. I see all of the things that you hold in your eyes even though I know they are all of the same things that were there before. The same things that were there when our eyes were first introduced.

 

Why do I allow you, you old spirit.

 

Why do I allow you to come near me? Why do I allow you to speak to me? Why do I allow you to look upon me? Why allow you, you old spirit?

 

I guess because you are the only one that has remained true. You have always been concrete in your lies, hurt, and pain. You have always been there when I did not need you and when I was at points where I would not open the door, even for you. When I would not listen to your lies; when I would not look upon your beautifully twisted face and stare deeply into those hollows you have as substitute for eyes, looking for a soul losing my own in the course. You took the extra time and effort to wait at the door so when I did let you in on the fiction that you would not wreck and ravage my house like you did the last time. When I would not listen to your deception you sung so wonderfully, you belted so beautifully anyone would have swore that you cold talk an angle down from heaven. No one would ever guess the angel would suffer a faith worse than Hitler in hell.

 

When I would not look you took a form so pleasing, so beautiful not even the first day would dare to compare. I knew beneath it all you were uglier than all foulness, all wrong.

 

I guess you, you old spirit, you being my only true enemy you have treated me better than any friend. You being the only thing that I ever truly desired I received only your truest detest.

 

You, you old spirit.

 

You love me enough to hate me. I allow you because I’d rather you hate me than nothing at all because that’s what we’re supposed to. I can find happiness in the pat on the back. That is before you stab me.

 

Why do I love you, you old spirit of love when you never have loved me?

 

©Christopher F. Brown 2009

What do you know

What do you know about love?

What do you think you have come to comprehend?

Do you know that it is more? More than a word, more than a feeling, more than what they sing songs about, more than what they write plays and film movies about.

You think you know, now that you have found someone and have spent a while with them that you can define every letter. You think because you have watched the sun kiss their brow and gently greet them to the new day that the two of you together are the full embodiment of the emotion?

Back rubs with hot oils, bubble baths and chocolate (or strawberry) syrup. Them just showing up on a random day at work in the middle of the day with roses; just for no reason at all.

Let me ask you.

How does it feel when you have come home to see that all their cloths are gone? What letter of the word expresses the look on your face at the very moment your heart processes that your suitcase is full?

What does it mean when you open your mouth to try and explain to your friends why you haven’t called in so long and your voice flees you; tears well up in your eyes and you hang up the phone. You tell yourself you will call them back but you don’t. You tell yourself you will go by but you never do.

What do you know about love?

What do you think you have come to comprehend about that word?

Let me ask you.

When your special day has become routine, the favorite dinner is now always left cold and untouched what is your plan?

What part of love explains why they all look like them when you look out the corner of your eye?

Have you comprehend why you still remember which side of the pillow their drool pools? Why you haven’t thrown away their favorite shirt and pants even though you have bleached, cut, and shredded them?

You and they sit on cloud nine not soiling thine feet with the filth of the earth. Love has lifted the two of you to peaks of mental and physical ecstasy that you think no other has known; no two other could grasp.

What do you know about love?

©Christopher F. Brown 2009