Monday, April 14, 2014


Cleaning out old boxes I find:

old clothes that ive long passed fitting

old bills that have long passed the point of being due

old notes to myself that have long passed the point of purpose

old poems that have long passed the place of remembrance

old pictures that I refuse to view

old love letters that still hurt like new


I think to myself,

“I was better then wasn’t I?


My writing seemed more pure

My voice seemed more authentic

My passion seemed to burn hotter
I had a reason to own all those ties


What happen to me?”

We all change

rather we want to or not


shouldn’t I be looking back with a smile?


I think to myself,

Thank God I'm not there anymore.

yet here is not that much better

it is arguably worse.

What happen to



©Christopher F. Brown 2014


Sunday, April 13, 2014

The Esoteric Autodidact

The truth is
im a relic

Im good at things from a time gone by
I exceed at things
never shown to me

Self-taught (_____)

they always say
with hole hearted delight and honesty,

"your work has such a;
rough around the edges feel to it."

I wasnt trying to be
any of those things

I wasnt trying to be

I damn sure wasnt
trying to sell you something

I wasnt even trying
in the sense or tense that you 
think I was
assumed I was

I was and am
being me

whatever words you think fit that 
so be it

I already have 
and reserve the right to continue to
define myself


© Christopher F. Brown 2014

Saturday, April 12, 2014




that’s why we like him


he wasn’t sitting around wishing he could fly

nor did he have the means of a secret billionaire


he was smart

very smart

some called him a smart ass

but he knew more whom were smarter

most of all

he was clever


he had doubts and insecurities

was self-conscious a time or two


If he was real

he’d laugh because it would make sense

he would be the one whose movies all sucked (except for James Franco)


Haters to the right of him

Haters to the left of him



vastly more intelligent

leaders of the criminal world

the police

the media

I did mention that he was clever


We like him because he is like us

he may not have been extravagantly or exceptionally


but he was enough

more than enough


He was himself

fully and completely

flawed capabilities

functional disabilities


he made it work


©Christopher F. Brown 2014


Monday, April 7, 2014

You are your own creation




We think we understand because it’s the most physical

before anything

you look down and you see

they have told you


is manhood


if you get stuck in that thinking

your male member defining the state of being a man

you stay in ignorance

A boy




We think we understand because it is more physical

we are taught that it is a color

we are told that it is a race

we learn the subjugation and oppression

we learn the glory of past and present

some understand the duty to the future

preserving and teaching the knowledge learned since the foundation of all mankind


some try to define what it is through someone else’s definition

Some say anything less than African is incorrect

how could a foreign captive held in bondage ever be a citizen of the land that bound them

a bird in a rabbits nest is still a bird

which may be true


some say how can one call oneself African if one

speaks no African language

has no direct African relatives

has never seen the sun rise and set upon

nor ever smelled

African soil

the cultural difference between an American and a European is the same as

the difference between an African and an European

which may be true




We think we understand because it is popular to define it as something physical

We are told and taught to hide

We are told and taught that it is ok

that is really the only choice one ever has

assuming an identity based on sexuality is reductive thinking


more than sex

more that sexual partners

more than parties

more than stereotypes


this is a trap that some fall into

a lifestyle that is attributed to the word but is not exclusive to it




the ability to love freely based on self

the ability to define self for self and by self

the ability to relate and express self to self and the world


©Christopher F. Brown 2014



Sunday, April 6, 2014

Eighteen Pence

understanding you

should be as simple as self

fragments are void


©Christopher F. Brown 2014

Saturday, April 5, 2014

I’m not as nosy as you think I am

I don’t look most people in the eye when I speak with them

not because I have something to hide

its because people should be allowed their secrets


Some people’s souls leap out at you

shouting and screaming

telling everything they try to silence

showing everything that is inside


sometimes things they have forgotten

sometimes things they do know are there


Some people

say exactly what is in their heart

when it is in their heart

normally what is on the inside

is reflected out


Those people I try to keep around me

Those people I like to see smile


© Christopher F. Brown 2014

Friday, April 4, 2014

John George

"Keep it together"


That's what they say



Why would I want to keep





Is bullshit.


why not

just let it all go


why not

just completely shut down


I've done it before


I remember

all they did was looking whisper

all they did was get quiet when I came near

after a while

everything went back to normal

everything led me back to here


so why not

so why shouldn't I



is bullshit


there is no logical reason to

but I guess I have to


it was never about losing

it's about not pretending

and that's the bullshit


everyone is just pretending


when you decide not to pretend anymore


we've deemed that unacceptable


we have to


" keep it together."


©Christopher F. Brown 2014


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Broken Picker Probability (or) 0%


I don’t like the fact that I'm attracted to you

I would say


but that is too powerful of a word to use

with you

with anyone


Its nothing personal against you

I'm pretty sure you are a great person

its just I know

well, at least

I'm pretty sure

some self-destructive deficiency of mine

sees its jigsaw complement in you

I refuse to act upon it anymore

Ive learned to stop telling people as well


They always say:

Give them a chance.

Find out something about them.

Be friends.

(which I think is the worst one because it makes it that much harder to walk)
Not everybody is the same


What do I get when I do:


many prayers for peace only answered by intensifying wars

many special days and nights marked by the new levels of rage, guilt, and shame

many times of waking to find empty bed spaces, cold sheets, and you

walking through the door

many times of pretending nothing was wrong until

I had to admit everything was


so yeah


I don’t like the fact that I'm attracted to you

Its nothing personal against you

but I'm pretty sure

something terrible has to be wrong with you


I believe if I said this


you’d be a conditional probability


given my history as 100% bullshit ( we’ll call that S)

what is the probability of you not being bullshit (we’ll call that not S)

so if S = 100%

then P(not S|S)

can only have one answer


© Christopher F. Brown 2014


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Who Invited Them

I don’t get why they even come

they know:

No one likes them

No one wants to be around them


If it wasn’t for them speaking first

no one would even speak to them.


They drink up all the good wine

Eat up all the special food

All they do is take.


I'm going to go say something




Well you go do that.

People say they hate them but they really don’t


They are always invited to every party

They have, you know,

“Been with”

everyone at one point or another

if they are not your ex

they will be at one point

If you don’t think they are hot then


one day you will


No one likes them but at some point

we need them


in that really messed up psychological way

make us better




shhh here they come


Hey Fear, hey Depression. I did not think you guys would come


©Christopher F. Brown 2014

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Yesterday is always 1 today is always 0


just yesterday

maybe it was some time ago

I said that

maybe I wrote it


It gets to a point where I say and write So much

I feel like I roll over


I'm not a voice in the wilderness

I am as you are

I am as they are


maybe that's the message they don't want to get out


I'm simply saying

simply writing

The things we all see

things we all know


it's a coping mechanism

I believe if we convince ourselves:


Its not that close to



Its far away from




don't need to worry about that.


all of it to mask the fact

we've lied about




lied about




Lied for so long

they have become a symbolic representation of a negative.


starting at 0

until you are 1

they claim you are no 1

when the truth is you always have been 1


look at my history


just yesterday

maybe it was some time ago

I said that

maybe I wrote it


©Christopher f. Brown 2014

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