Wednesday, March 4, 2009

A Child's Crush or Ryan

You scare the hell out of me.

You are the possibility of "What if?"

What if I had the courage to put my feelings and insecurities aside? What if I could open my mouth and in doing so open my heart and tell you how I felt back then? Enough time has passed for me to say "felt" and "back then". I was only a child with a little child mind, so small I did not even know why I liked to play in your hair, and still remember that particular color of blue your jacket was which you wore everyday; except in the summer.

I learned that it is called a "crush" and I had a strong one for you. I dared not tell you. It became safe to do so later because my mind was child no more (in that sense) and my heart became tough. The possibility of "what if" was no longer, and separating the chains of the past to move freely in the future is what I said; what I believed. Honestly I was lonely and my toughness was broken and in the process of healing. It was true that I was moving forward braking away from past, but .000001% of me always thinks there is a chance.

"Maybe just maybe things will all fall in place."

What I should have said back then I will say now. The years passed will be made up and happily will be ever after. I just need to catch up.

Of course it wasn't so. You have your own life and I have mine. That past might have been the only chance for us because this is today and it's just not so.

Sometimes I reminisce and remember being that child; running my fingers through you hair. Damn.

Well at least you know and that chain is gone. It would have been too small anyway.

We all have to grow.

©Christopher F. Brown 2009


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