Immature love, Immature rejection, Immature heart, Immature

So where do I go from here? So many roads traveled, so many trails blazed and waves made yet none has led to my heart's one and only desire. People tell me that my life has just begun. Does this mean that I must wait till it is almost over? I try, and try, and try, and tell myself

"If at first you don't succeed try, try, try again."

Now I ask. "When do I stop?"

I was told.

"Never give up and never say die, and never, under any circumstances, surrender."

It seems to me that the one thing I've only ever wanted; truly and deeply wanted; is mandated by heaven as for me to not to possess.

I see the joy and the unmistakable light it brings to those who have it yet for me it hurts more than anything. There is a place for it in my heart, my mind, my body, and my soul but it does not live there. Built for battle and trained for war I though love was what I was fighting for, but rejection has been my only friend.

Rejection has been father, sister, and cousin. Rejection has comforted me in those desperate times of need and has been the only love to know my bed. So for me love never really loved me. Honestly I don't think love even likes me. If love could hate then I would say it to be true. Every now and then love whispers in my ear

"Try"

I see now that it is her way of reminding me rejection is my only. Rejection has never lied, cheated, or stole. He has always done what he was supposed to do. I guess even love needs something to laugh at. I wonder maybe if it’s me? When I'm feeling low and down in the dumps love passes by in the wind. She picks me up, dusts me off, dries my eyes and asks me if I'm ok. When I say "Yeah I'm ready for you." she says “good” and pushes me into the dumps again. She laughs as she flies away. I guess even love needs a good laugh.

What's funnier than to put cat nip on a string and watch the cat dance. Only you know that you'll never give it to him. What if the cat knew that you would never give? What if Romeo knew Juliet would die because of him? What if a king in battle knew that he was going to lose the war? Would they all still try?

Why do I try when there is no reason too? Why do I hate rejection when rejection has raised me and been has my best friend? Why do I even want for love when love has told me.

"I don't want you."


©Christopher F. Brown 2009